Shit I Get Asked A Lot

Here’s where I’m putting all the shit I get asked a lot. If I get asked a lot of shit, here’s where it will be put.
 

How old are you?

I’m 19. So you can legally FB IM me asking for sex without fear of that creepy TV host coming out and trying to talk to you about your horrible life decisions, while completely ignoring the ones he himself has made.

I’m, of course, talking about Ryan Seacrest.
 

Are you gay?

Yes, I have met Kathy Griffin.
 

Do you go to college/university?

Well, possibly foreign follower, I’d like to answer that question with another question. But that question would be rude and would involve asking you to go fist yourself for asking something that I consider to be quite personal. So instead, I’m going to just go with a polite “no.”
 

Why don’t you go to college/university?

I’d like to answer that question with another question. Why don’t you go fist yourself?

I’m sorry, I have very shoddy impulse control.
 

Are you actually mad at me for asking that question?

No, I’m just kidding around. You shouldn’t take a lot of what I say seriously, especially if it’s mean. Usually when I say something rude, it’s me using satire to parody the irrational feelings I sometimes get. Like, if I get annoyed at stupid things like, oh, say, someone asking me why I don’t go to college, I may make fun of myself for getting so annoyed by asking the person why they aren’t currently fisting themselves.

Harmless stuff like that.
 

If you were to go to college/university what would you be studying?

Well you’re a persistent little fucker now aren’t you? I’d be going for playwriting and/or screenwriting. Though any type of writing would really be good for me. I’m also looking to take improv classes in the near future. Yeah, I’m that person.

Who are your greatest influences?

Oh god. Jenny Lawson, Tina Fey, Joss Whedon, Mindy Kaling, Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler, Grace Helbig, Neil Patrick Harris, Amanda Palmer. The list just goes on and on.
 

Why do you sometimes say “thank Nicole” or “oh my Nicole”?

Because Nicole Richie is my god. I’m a follower of the church of Nicole Richie. It’s basically a religion where you just say that everything’s hot and that you loves it and then later on you go shopping and then you fall asleep. At the wheel.

Is there something wrong with you?

Yes. I’ve diagnosed myself with about 5 different anxiety disorders. Which, I’m not a doctor, but when you can’t even wash the dishes because every time you turn your back to the kitchen you get the feeling that someone’s about to stab the backs of your knees, I think it’s safe to prescribe yourself some Xanax. Though to be fair I’m also a hypochondriac, so it’s possible that I’m just imagining it all.

Why don’t you get a job at that 7-11 down the street? 

I don’t know, Dad. Why don’t you go fist yourself?

Please don’t kick me out of the house.